Wait, is Thomas Tuchel hot? That seems to be the key question for thousands of women across the U.K. this past week, with sports journalists happening upon a particular Mumsnet thread reading: “Am I being unreasonable… to find Thomas Tuchel attractive?”
Granted, some comments underneath are gloriously maternal — a masterclass in gentle yet scathing smackdowns: “You need to lie down and drink some water. My diagnosis is sunstroke. It’s clearly affected your thought processes.” Others, however, appear euphoric to have had this guilty pleasure publicly validated: “He has a certain wiry, athletic, long-limbed vibe to him,” writes one. “So pretty,” says another. The words “malnourished vagrant” come up, but so does “vampire,” and we all know how magnetic they are.
The blushing mums of Mumsnet should get on TikTok: there, hundreds of fancam edits of the England coach have accrued tens of thousands of likes. “Guys, I’m gonna be real, I think I’m attracted to Thomas Tuchel,” says a young woman named Mimi. “It’s just the energy he has.” A chorus below the video sings in agreement. It’s kind of like a history teacher you fancy, they conclude, which is more than enough to anoint someone a sex symbol here in Britain. The unsuspecting combination of the German’s sharp cheekbones and quiet authority has nearly made him as much of a pin-up as Jude Bellingham (with a certain crowd, anyway). There’s just something about the sexy jeans-and-tee combo in the technical area.
That being said, last night’s late-game loss to Argentina in the semi-final might just have shattered all illusions. Tuchel-Tok won’t be happy.
